Are you a Basic Bro?

We all know the type.

Jersey. Cap of some sort, cargo shorts and sandals. Alone while his SO does everything she can to look like she’s not with him despite being seated within range his….spittle. Completely oblivious to the fact that he alone is responsible a full half of the noise in a crowded restaraunt. He meets dirty looks with “I’m just enjoying the game bro”, as if the activity actually required him being the most obnoxious guy in the room.

When he’s not watching a game, he’s whistling at bartenders for drinks and then proceeds to flirt with them. He tips “a couple bucks every few rounds brah”. He didn’t actually notice when he cut in front of you in the bathroom line, he just assumed his friend in line just meant he could jump in there.

He’s a bro, and he’s basic. He’s blissfully unaware of what his is.

Here’s five signs that you may be a basic bro.

Your wardrobe hasn’t changed since highschool

I’m not saying you’ve gotta look like a model everytime you walk out of the house. But seriously, it’s not that hard. Blue jeans and a decent T will get you through most of your non-professional life. Heres a tip, if you have no idea what you’re doing and don’t care to learn, just wear dark clothes and avoid anything that could possible be called “cargo”. There.

Learn your actual pant and shirt size and that will get you through work too.

You’re done.

Also wearing a jersey is completely appropriate to a game or sports bar or really anywhere that sports are the main attraction. End of list. Just because there is one TV somewhere with a game doesnt make it a sports bar.

You drink copiously but only one (bad) beer. 

Drinking is fine. Have a blast. And having a go-to is great. I drink “bad” beer all the time. If you spent half of your twenties going out 3 nights a week, you really should know how to order something beyond light beer and shots. Know how to order a drink. (See Here) Learn your way around whiskey. Try a G&T. A cordial. Maybe a manhatten. Craft beer is an amazing thing(not everything is an IPA). Give it a whirl. Learn to drink without getting hammered, especially in public.

You count College Humor as reading material

I love em, you love em. It’s great. If that’s the closest you’ve come to real substantive reading material since college. You might have a problem.

I’ll admit that I’m biased here. I love reading. I love literature. Really you dont need to read the classics though. Read the news. Pick up an issue of TIME or Scientific American. Go learn about current events. Learn from some of the greats. God help you, read a book. You might like it.

Politics don’t count. Every asshat has an opinion piece there.

You know every stat of a team/player but can’t describe what your significant other does for a living.

Take an interest. I’ve gladly sat and let my wife test her makeup out on my arm while she tells our boy what the different brushes are used for. I know enough about her job that I can relate to whatever she has going on at work. I know things about what she knows about. It really is the bare minimum in a relationship. Take an interest. There are few things more sad then a woman who goes to watch the game with her man every week, and who knows all the workplace drama he deals with and he can’t even say what her job title is.

She won’t stick around boys.

You have ever uttered anything even faintly resembling “equal rights means you can hit women back”

Don’t go there bud. You’re not tough You’re gross, and you’re small.

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